Facing myself 2 - Big price

Hello blog,

Heraclitus, the great philosopher some 2500 years ago, wondered around Greece and thought that the world somehow had a few unchanging facts and that almost everything changed with time. In other words, the guy was saying that "change" is one constant fact about life and definitely has a great effect on the way we think of the world around us.

Think deeper about this, you'll figure out it's a sad point to realize. I'll explain:

In my case, I think I always resisted change as much I could. I am not so easily adapted to anything nor do I have a catalog as Mahfouz once told me.. Moving is not an easy thing for me to do because when I believe in something I do it, and when I do something, I don't turn back so I better get it right first time.

Yes of course, I fail a lot and there were times I bowed but at least I always tried and I learned so much trying, the hard way : ( . 

Sometimes I pay double for being 62 HRC and I can't deny it because it makes up the pieces I think I am.

You know, 17 years ago, I was struggling in college. I was overloaded with courses more than others were allowed to enroll and consequently barely passed them in D's.

It was so weird: I did 3rd year engineering classes without studying 2nd year's first. I knew it was wrong, teachers and friends told me "DON'T DO IT SILLY" but I turned blind eyes and deaf ears to everybody. Furthermore, I fooled the registrar office for 2 years before I get caught!! It's a long story to tell but work at the time was not fully computerized and I managed to register courses in two different departments and get away with it. 

I was lucky enough they didn't kick me out because faculty helped me at the last minute as well as a bit of exterior ..........Thanks God it was Mutah!

Anyway, I had reasons for the nonesense because miraculously, I transferred to engineering from physics in the beginning of my 3rd year of college, grades were OK and a vacancy was open so I took a chance and I earned it then. That was the motive .... Perhaps, in addition to a couple of things very few know.

So, the engineering students of 3rd year were rounded well in many topics I hardly knew what they were about. That was normal because I spent my 2nd year doing physics and my ego didn't allow me to be a 2nd year student once again. 

Now you can imagine, the following 3 years, I was lost between odds but I managed to finish the curricula experiencing endurance limits to extremes on the expense of other things in life. Thanks God, my friends helped me go through that with great support when I needed them and we still joke about it when ever we get to meet.

 That was my first serious resisting change experience and it was anything but good. Yes, I failed to accept change and I was so lucky it worked for me at the end. It was tough but it made me realize that beyond the right/wrong paradox there are other dimensions worth exploring.

The point is: is it against Heraclitus rule? 

I am not sure it is, but to me, I think Heraclitus rule allows good margins because so far, it seems to me that the act of trying sometimes counts as if it was a constant in an ever changing world ... Somehow ~.~

I sound pathetic and begging sympathies, aren't I?!

By the end of 2013, a chapter will end and I need to have a few answers ready by then. Facing myself exercises help me find good ones and I hope this post will make it easier for me, next time I explain to Hala how "I didn't change , only a tinny little bit when I moved to KSA".

I won't change ya Hala ... I like it like this kitty :)

See you next time.

Fadi

Facing myself

Hello blog.

This post is about me but I don't know what to call it because it's a sad one.

I am not OK, no matter what side I look at it. The sad thing is I see it clearly in almost everything I do.

In the past 3 years, I think I came the farthest than I ever had in a quite long time. At least in many areas. While in the few remaining ones, I think I could some how do well and I've just realized that possibly, this might be the root of the problem. It seems my calculations are based on false data.

Am I fooling myself without noticing that? This is a big question I fail to answer. I don't know the right answer, I really don't. 

Sometimes , I say to myself that life is all about uncertainties and how we handle them, everybody does that and I'm just a drop in the ocean but even though, this doesn't answer my questions. Uncertainty is a common thing so the problem is somewhere else. Definitely it's the key to the right answer but it's not my holly grail.

Usually, at times like this, I automatically turn to the facts I know well. Thanks God I still have a few major ones.Those unchanged things that make up myself.

By the way, I'm not so alien to the above. It's just it's been a long time since I last faced myself. I am not so freaked out because I did it before at worse times with little and even less backup in its general form than what I enjoy today. I will be lying if I said I have little backup because I do have a little. Little is is almost none while a little indicates that some are still there.

This post is not due yet. Right now I'm sticking to one of the very fundamental   facts I know about myself in order to keep an OK level of sanity, reason and normality. 

This particular phone takes me to the most beautiful world I've ever known because my wife gave it to me when I moved here for work. This is a naked truth about me.

  

What a long day

Hello

I spent the whole day lying on bed. I think I am too young to have terrible backache like this. My morning started normal, I was in shower when suddenly my back clicked and that was it.

I never learn, I get carried away when I have work and ego takes over. I know it'd certainly come back to me but I always take a chance.

I should do something about this and do some exercise.

Good night

Touching ground

Hello ... 


Are my defenses breaking down ? I am sick of going like this , indeed I am. 


End of post. No more untold stories.


Nighty 

Random thoughts

Not much going on since I was left on my own in my department. Days are typical, I get myself busy with many things to do on my own, I plan for something and do it. ahead of me is the biggest project (by means of size and dimensions) I ever work on. An interesting job but way challenging.

At night, I tune to my favorite music, go online to talk to family then do some reading which is becoming so boring as well. 

I am wondering whether it's KSA that's boring or this is a consequence of a full life in the past and the big difference now. I wouldn't change anything about the past because what happened already happened and without it I wouldn't be what I really am today so I have to move one.

Anyway... I miss my wife and my kids a lot.

Nighty

Blogging itcth !

It's history repeating!!

Look at me now: I just take it easy to hit the "new post" tab and blog what comes to my mind!! Damn, I'm at work and certainly this is no good but will do it now and I'll think of it later!

Abdallah keeps crossing in my mind at 1 time/min and the idea of giving him something special yet different just haunts me all the time. I am not sure what would it really be the "so special" thing but when it hits hard it gets me de-focused!

Yesterday I figured out it'd be the right setup that will let him dream. This is the most important thing I need to ensure my son gets. What do you think?

Anyways , Muthu is machining the horse saddle now. You may also say "HA2 HA2" as Abdallah says :)

This plays in my mind now .. Enjoy

Update:

The ha2 ha2 :)

Last Minute Post

Hello all , from Yanbu with love! 


Folks, this is my new blog and I will try to make it an OK place to be to. You you can access the old blog at www.fk450.jeeran.com .


I'm OK, Ohoud & the kids are doing alright too. Hala is 3.5 years and such a cute young girl now. Most important, she listens to what mommy says and candy coats the way we look at life. Abdallah too. The young man is really hyperactive. These days , Ohoud barely gets started on some errand before he gets cranky and needs her full attention. He won't just fall asleep so easily at night, instead, he starts calling until she gives up and take him out. This is exhausting for a working woman who needs to get good night sleep.


It's been two years since I moved to KSA for work and during this time, I think I learned something important about myself: I am a master at self-deception! 


I am not happy and perhaps causing pain for family and even those around me at work. I can't be so specific about this but the whole thing revolves about my work and the frustrating situation there. It's reflecting on my life so I have to do something about it. 


I get to Jordan whenever it's possible, say every 3-4 months for a couple of 2 or 3 weeks. Living on my own, I get to focus on the things I never had time to do so like reading, design work, I do a little walking and of course facebook at night!


At work, it's hard and it gets me a feeling I'm being a ladder he he he. Aliening, I still have to work on my own. when I'm serious about something, I have to invent the wheel over and over again and at the end find my way out on my own sweet own when it comes to manufacturing what I design. There's no setup to do this with ease so the tinniest issues dissipate my energy and cause me serious drawbacks. I still preach, I practice what I preach, I act but nothing changes and it makes me wonder!!! 


To be fair , there're plenty of good things as well, but "When in Rome, you do what Romans do" , right ? 


Finally, me and Ohoud made our minds up. I'll keep it open ended for now but those kids deserve much better and a lot more.

Great to be back to blogging , Thanks Rasha for pushing on this. You're " The So Caring" after all, not me!


Fadi

Happy Anniversary Ohoud! I am alive as can be! Perhaps, full of life more than anybody that ever lived in this world.

Hello , I am moving from my old blog on jeeran.com to a new one here on blogger .. Why? Well, anything is better than facebook and bloody social networks! Everybody's goggling these days.

At the moment , I am trying to figure a way how to import my old posts in here .. I am not sure I can do this but I hope I can figure out how soon.

Nice template , hah?  I decided to choose this one because I wish I was there with my wife and kids now so we'd go in a picnic and enjoy the sun and the green everywhere .. It's spring time now in Jordan.

Have a look : This is me and my daughter in March 2009